My Life With Star Wars: A Personal Retrospective

Today is the day the new Star Wars comes out. Star Wars: Episode VII -The Force Awakens, the first Star Wars film in ten years. The original cast is back, and some fresh faces will emerge to continue the saga, courtesy of the master of lens flare, J.J. Abrams. It’s a pretty exciting time to be alive.

I have a close relationship with Star Wars. The first movie I ever remember seeing from beginning to end was 1983’s Return of the Jedi. It was recorded onto a VHS tape. On that tape was another film, a post-apocalyptic B-movie entitled City Limits, and I watched those movies all the time when I was four years old. But Return of the Jedi was the special flick on that tape. I watched it everyday. It jump started my imagination. It planted the seed of what my love of movies was to become over the next three decades.

And at that time, I had no idea that there were two other films in the “Return of the Jedi” series.

What can I say? I was a toddler.

Eventually, I got a little older, and when I was six years old, I learned how to navigate a VCR pretty good. I learned the differences between SP, LP, and SLP. I knew when it was set to SP, you could only record one movie on a tape. Set to LP, two movies. On SLP, you could record three movies. Well, why wouldn’t I want to take advantage of the SLP option? My Return of the Jedi tape was recorded on LP mode. Then I must’ve thought, “That’s stupid, you can put three movies on there.”

So I recorded over my Return of the Jedi tape with Problem Child, The ‘burbs, Parenthood and two episodes of The Simpsons. What a smart decision, right?

I had instant regret. I had to figure out a way to get Return of the Jedi back.

Then one day, about a year later, NBC had an airing of The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. I made it TOP PRIORITY to watch Empire and tape Jedi, and cut the commercials out while doing so. That worked out pretty good. I missed a few seconds here and there, but at least I had Jedi back on tape.

A couple months later, a big announcement on The Movie Channel proclaimed that they were showing Empire and Jedi back to back. The was a premium channel, which means no commercials. I got right on top of that. I taped them both. And for the next couple years, HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and The Movie Channel played The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi nonstop. Shortly after that started happening, I asked myself, “There’s three of these movies, why don’t they ever show the first one?” I hadn’t seen Star Wars listed once since they started airing Empire and Jedi. I guess the premium channels could only afford the rights to two thirds of the trilogy.

And so the hunt began. I had to see the first Star Wars. Somehow. Even if my mom had to buy me the tape from the store.

Shortly thereafter, the VCR broke. But I still wanted to get Star Wars on tape. I was even painfully teased one day when I was in Sears with my mom, and they were playing it in the electronics section. It was at the part where Darth Vader took Obi-Wan down, and his body disappeared. And I was like, “That’s why he’s a ghost in the other movies!” Keep in mind, I haven’t seen one moment of this film, not even random scenes on TV. The original Star Wars was an elusive beast for me at that age. A movie that existed for years that I had no access to. So I wanted to stay standing in Sears to watch the rest of the movie. I didn’t care that it wasn’t at the beginning. But my mom was in a hurry, she let me watch it up until the point before the Millennium Falcon landed on Yavin, right after Han and Luke blasted the TIE fighters. My mother turns to me, and says, “I’m sure it’s over.” Then I was dragged away. I don’t remember if I cried, or just whined, but I was upset. Shortly thereafter, my mother caved and bought the tape for me, which was a relief.

One problem, VCR was still busted. I had no way to watch it. Now this movie that I’ve been waiting desperately for is in my hands, and I can’t do anything except look at the cover art and feel the weight of the tape. I was finally able to watch it a week or so later when I had a sleepover at my cousin’s house. And it was a cathartic experience. Totally worth the wait.

However, I wasn’t able to watch it again until we got a new VCR, which wasn’t until Christmas of that year. It was 1992, and I had also got a VHS of Batman Returns. It was a good Christmas.

So now I had the full Star Wars Trilogy on tape, which was perhaps the first real accomplishment of my young life. And I enjoyed those movies off and on for the next four years...

Then comes 1997. The year of the Special Editions. Twenty years after the release of the first Star Wars, director George Lucas revamped his beloved trilogy to make way for a Prequel Trilogy with updated effects. Most people bitch about all the shit that was added in the Special Editions, but I didn’t care. This was my first chance to see Star Wars on the big screen. In a theater, the way it was meant to be seen.

And see it, I did. And it was fucking sweet.

I even bought the Special Edition Trilogy when it was released on VHS that September. There was an option of two different colored boxes. The gold box, and the silver box. I got the gold box. I should have got the silver box. The silver box was the WIDESCREEN edition. But I didn’t become an aspect ratio snob until a little over a year later. So I was cool with the gold box. I rarely watched the original versions after that. However, I did miss some of the original material they cut out of Return of the Jedi. Like the musical number in Jabba’s Palace being replaced by a different song and a bunch of CGI muppets, and of course the Ewok tribal song at the end being replaced by whatever the hell that music was. But at least THAT version of the Special Edition didn’t replace Anakin Skywalker’s ghost with Hayden Christensen.

You gotta draw the line somewhere.

That brings us to 1999, and I think we ALL know what happened that year. This was the year that broke most Star Wars “purists” with the release of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. I was a freshman in high school, and was educating myself on cinema, one classic at a time. The first AFI: 100 Years, 100 Movies list came out a year or two prior, and I was determined to see every movie on that list at that time. I went movie crazy as a teenager, absorbing every flick I could get my hands on. And in the middle of that constant movie marathon, The Phantom Menace was unleashed upon my world in a wave of hype and celebration. Star Wars was back! And fans couldn’t be happier.

Then the movie came out.

Let’s just say opinion was divided.
But I was not aware of the divisiveness before I saw it. And I went into that theater ready to experience a fresh Star Wars movie for the first time in my life on its opening weekend. I got my seat, the lights went down. The movie began...

I was blown away!

I was absolutely AMAZED by the film. It was one of the most incredible movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I felt changed after seeing that thing. The reason why is not easily explained. But the fact that the dialogue was stilted,  and the performances were wooden did nothing to taint my feelings for the picture. I was completely immersed in the splendor of the images, the music, the action. It took me to a place I’ve never been before which is all I ask of a Star Wars film. That’s all I ask of any movie. Take me to a place, and make me feel like I’m there. The Phantom Menace did that for me.

So I obsessed over that movie during the summer of ‘99. I collected trading cards, got action figures. I even collected the Pepsi cans with all the characters on them. Things got really weird that summer. I wrote out possible storylines for Episodes II and III. I started twirling a stick around like I was Darth Maul. And perhaps most embarrassing of all, I developed a ridiculous crush on Natalie Portman. It was a crazy time.

I didn’t even mention the stop motion animation me and my friend, Mike did with the action figures. That was my first attempt at filmmaking. We edited in camera, and some of our shorts came out pretty good. Especially the one where Qui Gon Jinn shoves his lightsaber up Obi-Wan’s ass.

What? You think we were going to recreate scenes from the actual movie? How boring would that have been?

But I also did more mature things like edit together montages of the original trilogy. I had to use two VCRs and layer the video of the movies over the music in the end credits. I didn’t have the soundtracks at that time. So that was my first experience with editing. Totally analogue. It was hard back in those days. Maybe it was more authentic, I don’t know. But it’s cleaner with the technology we have now.

So that summer was dominated by The Phantom Menace. However, I had only seen the movie once. There wasn’t enough in the budget to see it again at a first run theater. So I was looking forward to the day when it hit the dollar cinema. Unfortunately, it was months before it hit there, but on the day it did, I was first in line to see it again.

So I saw it again... and again.

And again and again and again and again.

Those were my weekends near the end of 1999. I even saw it twice a day on some occasions. All told, I probably saw The Phantom Menace twelve times in theaters.  More than any other film in my lifetime. And I doubt no movie will ever match that number, no matter how good it is.

Because I’ll be honest, The Phantom Menace isn’t that good.

As an adult male in his early thirties, I can comfortably admit that the storytelling aesthetic of The Phantom Menace-- or really any film in the Prequel Trilogy, is subpar and convoluted, with no characters who are identifiable on a human level. The plight of Anakin Skywalker is a journey that we observe, we don’t identify with Anakin for a second. Unlike Luke Skywalker, where we discover things as HE discovers them, thereby making his character more relatable, and the story more engaging.

But try explaining that to my fifteen year old self. The Phantom Menace was a benchmark film for me in more ways than one. Not only did it mark a grand return to the Star Wars franchise, it was also the last time I had a childlike fascination with a movie. It bridged the gap between the kind of movies I loved as a child, and the kind of movies I love as an adult. It’s a symbolic picture, and Jar Jar Binks doesn’t do anything to ruin that for me.

2002 brought us Episode II - Attack of the Clones. This came out a few weeks before I graduated high school. I played hooky to go see it. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one because I saw a bunch of kids from my school going to see the same showing I was. So I saw it, loved it. Then I took the hour long bus ride back home satisfied.

I come home, and my mom tells me my friend Cesar called about going to see the movie. And I was like, “I just saw the movie.” I call him back. I guess we made arrangements to see the movie today, but I must have forgot. So I was like, “Sure, I’ll see it again.”

So he picks me up, and we go back to the theater I just left to see Attack of the Clones a second time. Still loved it.
But I wasn’t as obsessed with Attack of the Clones this time around. I saw it two more times that summer, but I had other things going on. I had just started writing screenplays, I wrote two features that summer, another four throughout the fall, all of which remain unproduced. But it was good practice. And I have to admit, Minority Report came out that summer too, and I liked it more. Attack of the Clones, while full of visual excitement, is probably the weakest of the Star Wars films. But I still love it.

Just not as much as Minority Report.

That doesn’t mean that Attack of the Clones wasn’t another benchmark film to me. It preceded a big transition in my life. During the few months after I saw Episode II, I had to get used to being a high school graduate, and figure out what to do with my life.  I decided to spend the next few years writing screenplays, and making movies with my friends. From  2002 to 2005, I wrote about seventeen screenplays, filmed one short film, and one no-budget feature.

In 2004, the original trilogy came out on DVD. I made sure to get my hands on it, but I was more preoccupied with editing Inside Tito’s Trunk. But that didn’t stop me from taking some time off from that and absorbing the holy trilogy in all its WIDESCREEN glory. It was a simpler time.

Then came 2005. This was the year I got my first REAL taste of reality. The edit of Inside Tito’s Trunk was finalized, but nothing became of it. A few friends and I were going to spend most of that summer doing crew work on an independent Vegas production that led to some new professional relationships. The dream was still alive. However, it was struggling from the threat of disillusionment.

But who cares about that? None of that shit matters because a new Star Wars movie was coming out. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith was the film that was going to redeem the Prequel Trilogy from utter ridicule, and I was excited. I’ve been waiting for this closure since 1999. And when the day came for that cathartic moment, it was a bittersweet end.

I remember standing at a bus stop, waiting to be taken to the theater. I remember thinking to myself, “I’m turning 21 this year. I’m going to be a total adult. I need to start doing adult shit.” Then I considered the idea that Revenge of the Sith is going to be the last reflection of my innocence. I’ve been following these movies for as long as I can remember. When Revenge of the Sith is over, I’ll need to put away childish things, and be an adult for the first time in my life. It was a scary thought, but I knew I was right.

That didn’t keep me from loving the movie though. I thought it was a fitting end to the Prequel Trilogy. Could they have done it better? Who knows? All I know is that I had no problem with the Prequel Trilogy other than the flaws I sometimes find in retrospect. And even then, it doesn’t change my feelings for the films themselves.

You may say I’m looking at the Prequels through rose tinted glasses. That my nostalgia filter is stopping me from seeing these films as they actually are. And you may be right, but that’s the subjective nature of movies in action.

Since the release of Revenge of the Sith, I did grow up. I REALLY grew up. I began working for a living near the end of 2005. I didn’t write as much. There was a three year gap between screenplays. But I picked it up again, and took another shot at filmmaking in 2008, it was a failed endeavor, but I still did shorts from time to time, and I never did stop screenwriting. That determination has worked out very well. I started getting paid to work on scripts in 2010, and I’m still getting work today.

In 2012, I left everything behind in Vegas to be with my girlfriend, Lindsey in Arkansas. She is now my wife, and we have a beautiful two year old daughter. For the last three years, I’ve reinvented myself as a writer. But at this point, it’s still a side gig. I’m still working for a living, paycheck to paycheck, experiencing a true middle American struggle. It’s been humbling and transformative. It’s the greatest time of my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But there’s always room for progress.

And now the week has come for the release of a new Star Wars movie. Will this mark another in a long line of personal benchmarks symbolized by the previous films of this franchise? I don’t see any reason why not.

However, due to timing and budgeting, I won’t be seeing the new Star Wars movie this weekend. Maybe next week. Or maybe not until it’s on video. The jury’s still out on that one. I haven’t seen a movie at a cineplex since Monsters University in 2013. Parenthood changes things, especially when you tape it over Return of the Jedi.

But this won’t be the first time I’ve been kept from watching a Star Wars movie. All I have to do is remind myself of the time in 1992, when I was pulled out of Sears while the final act of A New Hope was just beginning. If I can harness that patience and attribute it to The Force Awakens, I’ll likely have the same cathartic experience I had way back in my childhood when the time came to finally watch Star Wars for the first time.